How or where do I start to explain the psychological issue causing such a daily stress?
…my name’s Steve and my wife’s a Guiltyholic.
- …my wife feels guilty for ‘letting us down’,
- …guilty for ‘feeling sorry for herself’
- …and guilty for ‘feeling pretty much anything’ to do with her absent womb.
That is, despite Specialist Counselling, a formal medical diagnosis of PTSD and a Hysterectomy, she still feels she ought to ‘get over it’ (as of Aug 2011).
Sadly, I’m pretty certain there are other onlookers whom quietly think the same (some not so quietly I might add).
UNLIKE A PTSD SOLDIER:
YOU CAN’T SEE A PTSD MUM’s LOST BODY PART
(My wife’s womb in this case)
If my wife was a soldier missing a leg, I’m sure she’d get more support; more support from the NHS, as well as more understanding (hence support) from others around her.
A simple example of the difficulty…
Even her own Mum, who’s supportive in many respects, often (weekly) displays her underestimation of the difficulty or upset that my wife experiences day to day.
My wife’s mum will ask things like “Did you see ‘One Born Every Minute’ last night?” (Channel 4’s ChildBirth documentary set in a hospital environment), and also asks things like: “Why can’t you just be happy for that pregnant mum?” as a response to my wife having shared how difficult it is for her (at times) to be in the company of pregnant women.
The Example adverse effect…
The mention of childbirth and/or such hospital environment issues – can (and has) brought on a panic attack (of which I used to not understand / believe panic attacks myself).
My wife wouldn’t feel so guilty if, day to day, she along with others could see her wound – i.e. the gap where her womb should be.
DIDN’T HASN’T LET US DOWN
My wife apologises weekly for the 2 traumatic births she ‘put me through’.
I often respond with: “Well if you’d ‘set out for 2 traumatic births’ I’d be pretty p’d off at your inconsideration, but you didn’t. You need to realise that and work towards: reducing ‘feeling the need’ to apologise to anyone for such.”
May 2012 and I don’t think she gets it still…
OUR first pregnancy went wrong Dec 2006, where a couple of days after Christmas, @3am, we’d all left my wife and newborn son at the hospital. What happened next was not under her control (nor mine) nor was it any of her own doing.
- 20’ish hours of labour,
- a mis-diagnosed dilation (8cm not 10)
- an emergency (unplanned) C-section
…THESE were the main top 3 reasons for my wife’s collapsed womb and haemorrhage; hence birth trauma – not her own doing or anything she could have changed.
So, my wife didn’t cause OUR trauma’s!
‘You must have been daft to try for a 2nd baby’…
Contrary to popular belief, our 2nd traumatic birth resulting in an emergency hysterectomy, was nothing to do with the 1st pregnancy and everything to do with the very real potential danger & ‘chance’ of child birth.
AT FIRST; BIRTH MEDICAL ISSUES DEMANDED TESTS
- My wife’s absent ‘period’ after the 1st traumatic birth dictated GP visits & tests.
- Many professionals suggested (without our instigation) that we try for more children.
A RARE DIAGNOSIS DESPITE OUR BEST LAID PLANS
Multiple Scans and Specialist Consultations since our 1st born revealed:
- A diagnosed worst type of Placenta Previa during our 2nd pregnancy (placenta blocking the birth canal).
- A further diagnosed placenta accreta (placenta actually attached to the womb wall).
A plan was suggested, insisted and then discussed with us:
- Placenta Previa + Accreta = very specialist team required.
- 2 dates surfaced where members of the specialist team could be assembled (Sep 28th or Oct 3rd 2010).
Despite the project management skill (see above) of our Consultant doctor (and later to be surgeon), Mother Nature had other plans; a month ahead of the above proposed C-Section & ‘Specialist Team’ date. So again not my wife’s fault, but rather mother nature if anything!
HOW MOTHER NATURE SNUCK UP ON US…
1st Septemeber 2010; a month ahead of the Planned Delivery Date (ETA 28th Sep 2010), our emergency hospital visit lasted 24hrs.
My wife’s abdominal pain was wrongly dismissed as Gastroenteritis and scans showed nothing wrong.
Returning home, later that evening we were shocked & scared to learn of my wife’s immense pain and blood clots in our bath. This time, I 999’d an ambulance, literally 3 minutes later we were inside of one; thankfully an Ambulance had just finished a call up the road.
This was the only time I’ve felt so out of control and especially annoyed at myself… waiting in the ambulance outside our house, a mixture of frustrations grew:
- Why were we not yet moving?
- Why’s she (the paramedic) asking so many fairly irrelevant questions, of which, I’ve already covered on the phone? let’s get going and talk along the way.
- Why had I not packed our bags?
- and where the hell was my mobile when I most needed it?
- Had I fed my 2 yr old son yet? will he be ok? As he was hysterical when we left him in our house with my mother-in-law.
- To emphasise: I was so f**king annoyed with myself beyond belief for not being able to fix the above.
Having arrived at the Prince of Wales Hospital in Bridgend, it seems we’d worried for almost nothing as the staff were calm & relaxed, with my wife hooked up to the usual monitoring equipment – we later learnt the calmness was a well disguised panic – I’m not exaggerating, they’d intentionally tricked us for our own good.
MY WIFE SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HERSELF…
Little were we to know that the next day’s events would bring a healthy baby girl, a hysterectomy ending our parenting of any more children and years of (if not a lifetime of) a new found appreciation for the symptoms brought on by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder post childbirth.
9am the next morning, our Doctor walked in: both relieved and worried to see her, I just remember her saying “There’s good news and bad news. Bad news is: things are going to happen a month earlier than we planned and that means the specialist team I’d planned for will be needed today. The good news is: you’ll get to see your baby this afternoon.” …my renown strong wife was the most scared I’ve ever seen her – I hope never to experience her that scared ever again.
Minute by minute support was my focus …
I had to SMS my wife’s blood relatives as she wanted them close by, but above all, she wanted to see our then only child, our 2yr old son Joseph; both of which were around 30minutes away and unaware of the traumatic news. My wife was convinced that she would not survive. Take it from me, given the diagnosis and subject, her cautious attitude was not extreme nor dramatic.
Selfishly, I felt sick at the thought of losing my wife, but my focus was to get our son here for my wife, as that seemed to be what she pinned her hopes on – our son Joseph gave her hope and the will to fight for her life in this unpredictable and shocking time.
Stress as a Hands-on Dad and Husband…
I’ve just realised that I’ve perhaps not given you a great insight about my stresses in all of this, for those interested, adding to my stress was: I’m a 1-man-band business owner and someone who ‘didn’t feel’ had the option of support from my own family.
I’ve not got a great relationship (if any) with my own parents, so I saw through this second and complicated birth without communicating with nor involving my own family. This may sound cold etc, but that’s not me, strangely however the ‘people dynamics’ actually felt easier than the first birth in this sense – I didn’t have ‘family’ issues to contend with so much. Plus, it just sadly reflects my own family situation; despite my best efforts over years.
Back to what lay ahead…
So, my wife & I now had an idea of what lay ahead as far as plans for the day go…
- An Operation under live X-ray – to place stent’s in both her legs/groin as a precautionary bleed prevention mechanism.
- An emergency Caesarian Operation – to safely get our baby out.
- Potential emergency hysterectomy – a life saving technique should the Placenta Accreta (attached to womb wall) prohibit the removal of the Placenta.
My wife should feel sorry for herself…
…as later that day, and for the rest of her life, she lost her much treasured child bearing gift – a pity for such a such a natural Mum.
Illustration of Hysterectomy - before and after.
MY WIFE’s SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND SHE NEEDS TO ACCEPT THAT
Despite my above word count, believe me, I’ve only summarised some of our 3yrs of stressful unknowns.
If you’ve read the above, you might wonder (as do I sometimes), why the hell does my wife continue to apologise for those traumatic times? Is she being dramatic? etc.
There’s quite a simple answer as to why my wife apologises so often…
- She’s always been known for it.
- Medically, PTSD states ‘guilt’ as one of the tell-tale key symptoms.
SOME OTHER ISSUES THAT CONTRIBUTED / DID NOT HELP WITH MY WIFE’S DEVELOPMENT OF PTSD…
Bearing in mind I’ve only summarised the 2 births so far, the additional following contributing stresses of that time (and as confirmed with a qualified Specialist Therapist) are:
- A boundary dispute with the idiot who used to own next door – he thought we were up to something in wanting having to register our boundary – so even tried stopping us coming back & forth our house during the above times.
- My non-supportive (unwillingness to understand) family – they’re nice enough, but they just don’t get it. They think a petty argument happened during & shortly after my 1st born, and state they’ve had their own lives too – they think we should move on and get along with each other.
- My first Born’s ‘Bilateral Talipes’ aka. ‘Club Foot’ (we hate that expression), that we had to deal with. Getting your baby’s legs in plaster and re-plastered on a weekly basis from week one has it’s own difficulties; time off work (see next point), lack of understanding from others (amongst other individuals, why would my family of all people, distance themselves during those times?), I’ll stop there.
- My archaic style employer – whom told me he’d ‘never had to go to any of his midwifery appointments; and he’s got 7 kids!’ and he couldn’t see why I needed to go to mine – that employer by the way was my own Dad.
- British Gas back dated error – for the 3rd time and despite a Direct Debit in place @£80pcm, wanted £2,000 paid immediately for a back-dated mistake on their part.
- + other typical every day stresses that the majority experience.
So the above + the 2 birth trauma’s are what’s contributed to my wife’s development of PTSD.
MY ANSWER TO ‘BIRTH TRAUMA PTSD’
Today, my strong wife thinks & says:
- She should not feel sorry for herself,
- Nor ‘go-on about’ her Traumatic experiences,
- No ‘go-on about’ the fact she can not have more kids,
WHY? … as there are others worse off; she says.
I tell her ‘she believes she should be tougher’ because…
- She, along with others, cannot ‘see’ her wound.
…that is, a female tummy without a womb, has left a hole taking away any possibility for her to give birth again.
- There will always be someone worse off,
…so on that basis, someone who has lost a leg should toughen up as there are others who have lost 2 legs? Those who’ve lost 2 legs should toughen up because there are those who’ve never had legs – I needn’t go on.
The only way to properly move on?
Apparently, the above kind of thinking will not ‘get rid of’ my wife’s PTSD – qualified professionals have told us such. Further, we should all recognise and deal with our own diagnosed stresses & illnesses, it is only this that helps us assess and move on in life.
I love my wife and the 2 beautiful children we are fortunate to have had. Also, I look forward to happy times ahead; free of pregnancy worries and full of planning nice times – just the four of us.
Here’s to life and the fragility that Mother Nature sometimes needs to challenge us with.
PS. And for the record, I didn’t want to risk my wife (who is my life) for another child anyway – could you blame me?