Why is the aftermath of my traumatic birth so hard?

Hi,

I haven’t posted for a few weeks as truthfully I have just felt so low. Like all the energy has been literally zapped out of me!

2 weeks ago today was my beautiful daughters 2nd birthday which also represented an anniversary for me. 2 years since losing my womb, 2 years since nearly bleeding to death, 2 years since I thought I’d lost her. I hate the fact that it still hurts. Alot.  I hate the fact that only my husband seems to get why. I hate the fact that my own Mum had a go at me for feeling like this and told me I should enjoy the day and not make it all about me. That cut me to the core, it really did.

Does my Mum not think that I want her day to be a happy one. That I don’t want to have to remember all that I do? That I don’t want to feel like this forever. Like I’m just existing not living. Like I’m stuck in a nightmare of awful images, recollections from theatre and ITU. Having that constant sense of foreboding hanging around me like a bad smell? Feeling anxious pretty much all of the time.

I saw a baby in the reception area of the Doctors today and melted into tears. Tears for the baby she’ll never be again, tears for the baby I will never carry again, tears for the terrible images still ingrained in my mind of her arrival.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this and I hate feeling so judged for the way I feel. My Mum judges me, the NHS judges me, friends judge me, work colleagues. One last week asked how I was and when I told her it had been a bad year when everything had hit me she replied ‘why, still?’. I felt like screaming at her but instead I sat there and tried to justify myself again, for the millionth time since it all happened.

Everyone tells me how I should be feeling, how lucky I should feel, how grateful I should be for my babies, how lucky I am to have one of each. I know all of these things. I just wish that some would just listen to me like my husband does and allow me to feel what I feel. Allow me to acknowledge the pain and grief and then I know I can move on and learn from all of this.

 

 

 

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4 Responses to Why is the aftermath of my traumatic birth so hard?

  1. I admire your honest reflections and I hope they help you in some way. You are do lucky to have such a supportive husband. Your experience is one that has terrified me as a mum myself and as your friend. We think of you all often and can not believe just how ho strong you are.
    You are a wonderful mum to your 2 beautiful children and a wonderful person that we care a lot about. Please keep writing your reflections it will help us all understand.
    X

  2. I have read all your posts and i was touched by your honesty and grateful for your willingness to share your experiences. I am not sure how you are feeling now as this post was written a year ago. I am a hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner and I am developing a cd to help women overcome birth trauma. If you still feel the same way as you have described in your posts, It would be hugely helpful if you would be willing to listen to the cd and give me feedback. many thanks – maggie

    • Hi Maggie,
      I definitely still feel like this and have actually just messaged a lady via our facebook page about how impactful the EFT has been for me and still is. In fact my husband and I have just completed a round of tapping! I will privately message you now with my personal details so that you can send the CD on to me. Many Thanks, Bec

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